Gaslighting Creates A Longing To Be Understood

When I was a child, I had no tools or language to understand the abuse that was happening to me. What I did know was that I was constantly misunderstood. My parents often accused me of doing things I never did and punished me for not doing things that were not mine to be done. … Continue reading Gaslighting Creates A Longing To Be Understood

Narcs Get It Twisted

Conversations with narcissists often start out like this. You make a statement about something that matters to you. It doesn't matter what it is exactly, but the fact that it holds some meaning or significance to you is what the narc hones in on. The narc then demeans the thing you care about, through either … Continue reading Narcs Get It Twisted

Narcissists Are Not Nearly As Interesting As Their Survivors

Narcissistic abuse is a strange phenomenon to experience. Because of the very nature of the abuse, victims get sucked in gradually and often have a hard time putting their finger on what's going on. Many experience "waking up" to the realization that their parent, boss, or partner is a narcissist. Initially it can feel like … Continue reading Narcissists Are Not Nearly As Interesting As Their Survivors

Tearing People Down is not ‘Real World’ Training

I mentor a group of young adults, and was recently handling a situation where another mentor systematically tore down much of the esteem I had spent several weeks helping them build up. Her reasoning for doing this was to "toughen them up" and get them ready for "the real world." When asked her why she … Continue reading Tearing People Down is not ‘Real World’ Training

Why You Can’t Be in a Narcissistic Relationship ‘Just A Little Bit’

  Ending a relationship of any kind can be tough, but when someone tries to disentangle themselves from a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, the experience is a special kind of hell. From the beginning, partners are groomed to cater to the needs of the narc while denying all of their own. It's an insidious process … Continue reading Why You Can’t Be in a Narcissistic Relationship ‘Just A Little Bit’

Emotional Neglect Harms As Much As Overt Abuse

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home with a raging, alcoholic, narcissistic father. I still carry a lot of pain over the traumatic memories of his irrational outbursts and propensity to punish me for imagined slights. I struggle with an overbearing sense of responsibility and need to be blameless as a result of his … Continue reading Emotional Neglect Harms As Much As Overt Abuse

Why Spiritual Abusers Love To Say "God Told Me To"

Whether you run in evangelical circles or not, chances are you've encountered someone who has started a sentence with, "God told me to..." and finished it with something inspirational, aspirational, or irrational. Depending on the denomination, it might get thrown around as a common catch phrase, or it might be reserved for more serious, "big" … Continue reading Why Spiritual Abusers Love To Say "God Told Me To"

The Truth Can Hurt- But It’s Never Cruel

Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist. They seek to tear down and destroy any good thing they can't claim for their own spotlight. Chances are, if you've ever confronted a narcissist about their cruel words, you've heard them deflect, "I was just telling the truth!" This is the lie of the narcissist: to … Continue reading The Truth Can Hurt- But It’s Never Cruel

For Trauma Survivors, ‘Pushing Through’ Isn’t Heroic- It’s Avoidant

I study a lot of stories, and I am well-versed in the power of inspirational stories to uplift and entertain through shared catharsis. We can learn a lot about our own lives through storytelling. However, there is a big reason why some stories that feature characters who rise above their circumstances go down as all-time … Continue reading For Trauma Survivors, ‘Pushing Through’ Isn’t Heroic- It’s Avoidant

Abuse is not an Illness, It’s a Choice

One of the biggest mistakes I see victims of narcissistic abuse make is to feel sorry for their abusers because their abuser is "mentally ill." This is wrong. Narcissism is not the same as mental illness. While someone with a mental illness might inadvertently cause chaos around them due to their mental state, most of … Continue reading Abuse is not an Illness, It’s a Choice