What ‘Drinking the Kool-Aid’ Really Means, And How To Avoid It

Many years ago, when I was still in contact with my abusive family and seeking help from several mental health professionals, one psychologist in particular lit up with recognition when I described the situation. A family member had been previously diagnosed by another psychologist with "delusions of grandeur," and even though the other family member …

Recovery from the Pandemic Depends on How Safe We All Feel

We are collectively experiencing a traumatic event on a global scale. Some of us, because of past trauma, feel the effects more than others. All of us are impacted, to some degree. For some, this collective trauma may be a new experience. Some may notice that they feel more tired, less able to focus. Perhaps …

It’s Mothers Day, and All I Want is to Grieve

I dread Mothers Day, and the weeks leading up to it. Around the first of May, it begins. That uncomfortable feeling that swells up in me whenever I see some flowery advertisement featuring happily bonded mothers and daughters posed in their soft-focus, perfectly lit scenes of domestic life. But it's so much more than the …

Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abuser

I love my abusers. I feel compassion for them. I can rise out of my own hurt feelings to see their humanity. I understand the challenges that shaped them, and I grieve the abuses that happened to them. However, none of this means I ought to be in a relationship with them. Loving them does …

Big Goals are not Stand-ins for Love

I have an enormous goal. I've spent tens of thousands of hours honing my craft in order to reach it. I've spent even more on education and lifestyle changes to give myself the space, time, and know-how to accomplish it. I don't even want to count the lost wages (and benefits and retirement savings) from …

What I Want To Say to the Person Who Just Escaped My Abuser

I recently learned that someone left one of my abusers. As much as I would love to take her to coffee and have a long, heartfelt conversation, it is neither wise or safe for me to make contact. I've had zero contact with my abuser for many years, and I never met the person who …

When Your Own Narrative is a Life or Death Issue

We all know how it feels when someone gossips about us. We've all been on the receiving end of sensitive information about someone else that's none of our business. We've all said something out of turn about another person. The sting of betrayal is hurtful and annoying, but for many, it's not a huge deal. …

Processing Trauma is a Privilege

Processing trauma means you are going to the trenches in order to heal. You're wading into the deep, murky waters of your subconscious mind to free up the gunky messes that rooted themselves long ago. It's expensive financially, and even more so energetically. It's hard, painful, all-consuming work, and it requires a ton of courage …

You Will Not Get Closure, But You Can Find Understanding

One of the most difficult aspects of leaving a narcissist is that there is no closure. Few people really understand what it's like to survive a psychological abuser. Not only will the narcissist ever understand your point of view, he or she will never attempt to try. In addition to spending the entire relationship feeling …

Why Didn’t I Report? Thank You For Asking…

The first time it happened that I can remember, I was three years old. Three. That alone ought to be reason enough as to why I didn't report my sexual assault. Like many in the same situation as me, I did not have the kind of parents whom I could report things to. I did …